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Proud to be a B.I.T.C.H.

At this point in my life I’ve dedicated myself to raising my children and providing a better future for them. I have no time or tolerance for anything or anyone that interferes with this plan. I have become a B.I.T.C.H. and I am proud of it. Let me explain.

A B.I.T.C.H is a Beauty In Total Control of Her life.  I am proud (these days) to be a B.I.T.C.H. I am not here for anyone’s interference with my happiness, health or growth. I won’t play second string when I’m a first string player, I won’t allow messy people to have an ounce of strength in my mental, physical or spiritual health. So I have built an armor around my life and kids, I am a B.I.T.C.H.

It has taken me at least 25 years to build myself up to this point. I have suffered with anxiety and depression most of my life and used to die a little inside wanting the approval and friendship of people.  My happiness was wrapped in the approval of everyone else. Even when I acted like I didn’t care, I did. I’m not saying I’ve developed the thickest of skin or am the best at using my Bitchy armor but I’ve become pretty great at it. Here’s how!

Meditation! Meditation! Meditation! It has gotten me through some pretty rough patches this past year. I’m not an expert, most of the time I fall asleep, but calming my brain and having an internal dialogue with myself has proven to help with not allowing people to make me miserable. I usually tune everything out and repeat in my head over and over I AM IN CONTROL OF MY HAPPINESS. Nobody else has the right to take that from me. If I’m in love with a decision that’s my right and nobody can make me feel less than important or like I’m wrong for following my heart. I’m not 100% at the point where I don’t need approval but I’m getting there. Parental approval is the biggest struggle.

Get rid of toxic people. The Naysayers, the liars, the hypocrites, the Debbie Downers and the “Still People.”  I had to get rid of the toxic around me, and in some cases that meant losing some long time friends.  I really had to step back and reevaluate my life, like “Victoria, Honey, this person is holding you back, your relationship with this individual or these individuals, is really keeping you stuck in a place that’s unhealthy.” Not everyone in your life knows they are toxic and you may be toxic to someone who you are unaware of, but you have to get rid the bad vibes in order to be a B.I.T.C.H.  The most important part of ridding the toxics out of your life is ridding yourself of the “Still” People, the people who are happy standing still, not reaching for anything better, that are happy being complacent.  I had to align myself with individuals that thought like me, that want to improve at life and that had good intentions for me and them.

Random Meme that’s been in my phone forever! I didn’t make it up!

The last thing I have been working on, and that has held up my Bitchy armor, is standing firm in what I say.  I have to say what I mean and mean what I say.  I have been so worried about hurting others feelings that I wore myself out. I hated saying “No” because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  But who was really there for me? Nobody! I couldn’t ask anyone for help.  I couldn’t even express my hurt, anger or disappointment with anyone, without it feeling like I was committing a crime.  So I have practiced saying No and not giving an excuse along with it.  You would think that being a mother saying No or expressing my displeasure with someone would come naturally, but it doesn’t.  I think I have rid my life of more toxic people using this Bitchy armor, than anything else I have done.

During the process of improving life and increasing my happiness I have lost plenty.  I barely have a circle of friends any more. I can count on one hand how many people I consider to be friends, and they are more like family.  I have been outcast and shoved to the side because I do not partake in the shenanigans any more.  I do not entertain gossip, if I feel one ounce of hate or drama I will cut you off so smooth you’ll think I vanished of the face of the earth.  Being a B.I.T.C.H doesn’t have to be something negative, you don’t have to treat people badly or with hatred.  Being a B.I.T.C.H is knowing what you want, who you want to be, standing firm in your happiness and not allowing anything or anyone to shake it.  You don’t have to have it altogether, Lord knows I don’t, but working toward your goals and happiness makes you a B.I.T.C.H and you should be proud of it I am!!

Love always,

~Victoria~

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Where do I go from here!? 

Being a mom I feel like I’m supposed to have it all together. I’m supposed to know what direction I’m headed in life. I’m supposed to have a goal and a plan to reach it. Scratch all of that. At the age of 29 about to be 30, I’m supposed to have it together. I’m supposed to have a plan together on where I want to be. At 30 I’m supposed to be halfway there. 

I am not going to lie I’m so lost. I have no clue what I want to do, what kind of job I want, if I want to go back to school or not, heck I don’t even know what’s for dinner. All I know is I don’t want to live at my parents house to long, I want my children to be happy, I want to make more money and I’m sick of my job.  I’m notorious for my indecisiveness. It’s brought me the most issues in my life. 

Talking to my 17 year old step daughter the other day she asked “What did you want to do when you grew up? What did you want to be?” My answer is: I never had any idea. I wanted kids and that’s all I know. I guess I had a fairytale in my mind of kids, family and a husband. I never had a plan other than being a mom. Other being a house wife and mother I had no plan for the future. Due to my impeccable taste in men that didn’t work out to well. 

Now that reality has bitten me square in the rear, What in the H.E double hockey sticks do I do now? My job doesn’t even have 401k, I’m barely making ends meet. I have a degree with no experience. What am I supposed to do? I lost a good portion of my income due to time constraints. So much has been put on hold. I’ve started working on my credit, but where do I go from here?  

One day at time I’m going to keep on moving, keep on climbing, and keep on keeping on. I have to or the depression will get the best of me. I think the biggest misconception in life is that we have to have everything figured out as soon as we hit a certain age or as soon as we become parents. But sometimes life throws curve balls and we have to adjust for it. So that’s where I’m at now, I’m adjusting and preparing for whatever my greatness is. If y’all know what it is feel free to help me! LOL no but really! 

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10 Facts About Me

I’m drawing a blank on what to write today! It’s Monday, it’s gray and dreary out, and my brain is functioning on about 10% right now. I’ve been running around all day at work and been to urgent care with my Peanut and I’m in sleep mode.  So I shall give you 10 fun, maybe not so fun, but facts about me. 

  1. I’m the oldest and the only child– My mom and dad split by the time I was three or so maybe before. My mom remarried and two more girls, they are 10 and 11 years younger than me, but my dad realized I was the perfect child already and I’m his only child! 
  2. I’m highly addicted to the world of Essential Oils-  I recently threw myself into learning about natural healing and ways to improve health without choking pills down. I am just eager to learn all I can about essential oils and natural healing.
  3. Music is life- I love music with a passion. Everything from Jazz to Rap, Country to Rock and Roll, R&B to Pop, you name it there is probably a song I love and vibe out to. I must admit though 90’s R&B is my favorite.
  4. I’m a classically trained Car Performer- Ok ok maybe not classically trained but I love singing at the top of my lungs and dancing in my car. I don’t care who is looking! There is something about a car that makes me feel like I sound just like Adele or Beyoncé. My car is my safe space I’m completely oblivious to the audience of passerbys that can see me. It takes so much stress away to be able to belt out a good song in the car.
  5. I love movies- I would be great in a movie critic career. I didn’t have cable until I moved back home, we had wifi and Netflix. Before that I had a large collection of dvd’s. Old, new, comedy, and action I love them all. Horror is my favorite and my Pooh (17year old step daughter) has developed the love of horror too! Cuddling up with a bucket of popcorn and a good movie is the best. 
  6. I’m really good at cooking but kinda hate it- I’m really good at throwing down in the kitchen. My exes mother taught me a lot and Joyce Ann’s kitchen is THE go to spot for all holiday meals and Sunday dinners. I do trial and error quite often which often works in my favor. I just really have to be in the mood to cook. If I’m not it’s usually a spaghetti or hamburger helper night around the house. 
  7. I’m a college dropout- In 2005 I went to college for about six months. I went to class about two of those months. I wanted to be a paralegal, loved the research that came with it but the thought of speaking in open court terrified me. I left home everyday acting like I was going to school but usually hung out in my friends dorm. 
  8. I love dogs- I am a huge dog lover, big, small, teacup, and over grown, I LOVE DOGS. If I could live on a farm with dogs and goats I would. I have a soft spot for Pit Bulls because they are such lovers with a bad rep. One of my bucket list items is to work at Villalobos with Tia and her crew even if just for a day. 
  9. I’m really interested in Feng Shui- I believe in energy and that everything gives off an energy that can positively or negatively influence you. So I’ve begun studying Feng Shui and trying to incorporate it in my everyday life. I would love to learn more if anyone would like to email me or teach me.
  10. I love hockey- I love hockey. I don’t like to sit and watch it on TV because I can’t concentrate on it, but I love to go and watch games. We recently took my kids to a game and my son loved it. He wants to play and that makes me a very happy happy mom! 

Well, that’s all I got. It was really hard coming up with 10 facts. I’m just not all here today. 😣 I gave up on racking my brain for really great facts sometime between being trapped in a rainstorm and finding out my Peanut has another ear infection. I would love to learn more about you all. Please leave comments or emails. 

    ~Victoria~

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    Hello world!

    Welcome to Balanced Hysteria.  This is my first attempt at blog writing so please bear with me.  My name is Victoria ( I am sure you know that by now).  I am a 29 (almost 30) year old single mother of two children.  My son DJ is eight and my daughter, Peanut is what I call her, is six.  Before them I acquired their sisters as my step daughters and even though I am no longer with their father, whom I refer to quit often as the donor, they are still my girls and I am very active in their lives.  The oldest, Mya, is 17 and last but certainly not least is Dinesty who is 12 years old.  My four kids and I love every moment of being their mother (step), even when they are being jerks.

    I am new to the single life.  I have been with their father since I was 19 years old.  Now I am knocking at 30 and having to start life all the way over.  I lost my house, my car, and pretty sure my sanity a few months ago and packed my babies up and moved back home! (yea I did that) I wallowed in self-pity and depression for few months, but have since decided that life doesn’t stop moving just because your relationship failed.  I still have kids to take care of and the relationship, unfortunately, the relationship ended for them as well.  So with my new improved attitude and happy meds we are beginning a journey to finding the balance in the hysteria!

    I am looking forward to this new chapter in my life and can’t wait to share it with the world.  I am an over-sharer so by the time you get through a complete month with me I am sure you’ll feel like you have known me all my life.  I am not a great writer and have the tendency to write like I am talking to you.  So if you have any comments, questions, concerns, or suggestions please feel free to share them with me.  I have my contact information listed ( I hope) all over the page.  I love to talk to everyone, discussions make me happy, so I will be super interactive.

    Thank you for taking the time out to check out my site and read my post! I look forward to this journey!

    ~ Victoria~

     

     

     

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